Eating out of the Boundries

Don't these pics just make your mouth water. Yesterday I had an hour to kill before Craig came home from his hunting trip so I decided to bake some cookie bars. This is what is in the mix:

1 cup flour

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 cup sugar

1 cup chocolate chips

6tbsp butter

2 eggs

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup peanut butter

Mix together flour/baking soda and salt, set aside

Mix butter, eggs, peanut butter, vanilla, and sugars

Add the flour mixture in along with chocolate chips

Bake at 350 for 30 minutes

Craig was very pleased with the outcome :)

For dinner last night Craig and I made homemade pizzas. I had stopped earlier at Trader Joe's and picked up two kinds of pizza dough (only a buck!). We topped our pizzas with low fat cheese, lean ground beef and he added some pepperoni on to his. I also added a side salad with mine topped with almonds and cranberries.

This dinner was a little out of my so-called "safe zone" for me. Sunday I woke up around 5am starving and following my workout I felt drained and tired. I figured it had something to do with my eating and my hard swim workout on Saturday..body was having a hard time recovering. So I figured eating a good carb meal would do my body wanders. I will have to admit, I got very angry with myself. The entire dinner I kept worrying about how much carbs I am in taking and how this is going to make me gain weight. Luckily the thoughts passed and I enjoyed the pizza and did not overeat. I am not dumb, I know in reality it does not matter how many carbs you consume or how many grams of protein you eat in one day..weight gain comes from more calories in verses more calories out. I just get depressed at times how my eating disorder can just pop up out of nowhere and start to cause me anxiety. I think this will always be something I have to work hard on everyday. When coming from a past of being 100 pounds and binging and purging, it can be hard to know just how much food I should eat to feel full, it comes to really listening to my body. I am happy that I have learned alot about eating healthy, the right portions and how much of what I should eat. At times though, it can be annoying to know so much about eating healthy, when it starts to trigger your mind how many carbs are in this serving or how many grams of sugar something has.

Do I still avoid some social situations if I know I can't order off a menu or there is something healthy for me...yes

Do I still get anxiety if I can't make a workout on a regular scheduled day...yes

Do I still eat certain foods because they are safe...yes

Do I still freak when my jeans fit tighter...yes

On the other hand

Do I allow myself several glasses of wine one night a week to relax...yes

Do I always make sure to at least take one rest day a week from the gym...yes

Do I eat well over 2,000 calories a day...yes

Am I at a healthy 136 pounds...yes

Do I eat a variety of healthy, some fat filled foods...yes

So I think I can come to the conclusion that parts my eating disorder still exist...especially the structured eating schedule and not allowing myself little treats here and there. On the other hand there are some parts of my eating disorder that I have improved on. I really honestly love eating healthy, and sometimes I would rather have a protein shake then a chocolate chip cookie because I know the cookie will leave me feeling tired and worn out.